Complicated Me

Recently, people have been "tagged" to add entries in their journals telling various things about themselves (7 things you are good at, 7 things you can't do, 7 things you want to do before you die, etc.)  Between this and the recent struggles I am having in my marriage, I have taken some time to "evaluate" myself.  I have put some serious thought into recognizing some things that I need to work on/change about myself. To balance this out (and to keep myself from being suicidal after realizing all of my bad traits LOL), I also tried to recognize some of the good qualities I possess.  After much soul-searching, I realized that many parts of my personality are very contradictory.    

For instance, I am very conscientious - I always take care of my neccesary obligations at home, at work, with family, etc.  However, at the same time, I can be the world's worst procrastinator when it comes to doing something I don't want to do.  I also try to always see the good in other people - when I hear something negative about someone, I try to see the positive.  However, when I can REALLY find no positive in someone, ALL I can do is see the worst in them.  Does that make any sense?  In one sense, I am very open and outgoing - I LOVE to talk.  However, at other times, I am a very private person, choosing not to share everything with others, but to hold it all inside.  For the most part, I am a very forgiving person -I get over things easy and forget about them, especially when it is something little.  However at some times (usually over the bigger issues), I hold onto things for a long time and have a very difficult time forgiving someone who has wronged me.

There are alot of things about myself that I have realized I need to work on, and I guess this is a lifelong process.  I can be angered easily and say things I don't mean and later regret (quick temepered).I have a very hard time trusting people, and can be very suspicious of people and their motives (some baggage from my parents' divorce that I am still trying to overcome). I can be moody and bitchy.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  My mother has always told me this - when I am upset, angry, etc., EVERYONE around me knows it.  I am very impatient and high-strung.  I cannot sit still, and I know this annoys other people at times.  I am not very disciplined when it comes to doing things I do not want to do (i.e exercise).  Many times I interrupt other people when they are talking (to say what I want to say), even though I know this is rude.  I am also EXTREMELY stubborn.

However, amongst all of these bad traits, I have a few things about my personality that I am proud of.  I am very compassionate and I care deeply for other people (the hurt, the sick, the underpriveleged, children, animals).  I am very loving and affectionate, as my parents always have been to me.  My family is very important to me and I would do anything for them, as I am fiercely loyal.  I am very independent.  I have always been told I have a good sense of humor and make other people laugh easily.  I am very organized; in my home, my job, and my life in general.

I have made mistakes in my past and done MANY things that I am not proud of.  However, rather than struggle with the guilt of that, I try to know that all is forgiven and remind myself that my past mistakes have made me the person I am today, and try not to make the same mistakes twice.  I strive to continually keep check of myself and what I need to work on - if I do that, I can live each day knowing I am doing the best I can.